I’m just so broken.. I’m just so sad.. When will this all end? When will I stop feeling like this? What do I even want? I want to escape.. I want to leave.. I want all my pain to stop.. I want my heart to stop breaking everyday.. Everyday I feel like I’m faking everything i do.. A fake smile, a fake laugh.. When inside I’m dying.. I’m so cut.. So deep.. I don’t even know where to start to repair myself.. I don’t even want to most of the time.. I put myself in this situation over & over again.. All for “love” but is it even that? How can he love me & still be with her? How can I love him & put up with it? Do I even love myself? I’m hurting so bad.. Imagine how she would feel.. I don’t ever think about it.. It’s easier that way.. But her pain would be just as painful as mine.. That ache.. That sick feeling always in the pit of your stomach. Athens constant anxiety.. The constant crying.. I’ve never cried so much before in my life.. I’ve never shed so many tears for someone before.. I’ve never put up with so much before.. Why did I have to love him? Of all people.. Him!!! We can never be together.. I fantasise in head what our life would be like.. It’s all pretend.. It’s all fake:(
I don’t want to write this.. Even the thought of what I’m about to write next breaks my heart.. I can’t do this anymore.. Im a mess. I can’t be like this anymore.. I love you so much, but that why it’s so hard. Every time I’m with you it’s just not enough time & when you leave I’m happy but then it’s like a come down.. When will I see you again, when will I hear from you again? I don’t know how to let go.. I don’t want to let you go. You tell me you love me.. But you stay with her.. You kiss her. You sleep with her.. You cuddle her:( its kills me that you lay with her at night.. That your touch her.. Touch her skin, her hair.. I want that with you I want to be able to sleep with you at night.. Wake up with you in the morning.. Ending this is one of the hardest things I’m ever going to do.. Once it’s done it’s done. We can never do this again.. I can’t be like this.. I want to be in a relationship were its not a secret.. We’re I’m number one.. We’re I’m not a second thought.
I’m so over crying:( but i do it cos I can’t let go. I know I’m going to have to be the one to end it (the thought literally makes me want to be sick) how can I get go I someone I love so much.. Someone I’ve imagined in my head 100 different ways of us being together.. His told me we can’t be together.. Why does he stay? Why doesn’t he end it? I feel like I’m holding him back.. I need to let him go so he can get back to living his life again.. I hate that I’m ruining things for him.. I love him so much I need to let him go.. But how?
Hate being in such a dark place.. Like it would be easier if I didn’t feel pain anymore.. Not just him.. But things just get on top of me.. No work out today.. Def need to workout everyday.. Makes me feel more alive.. Keeps my brain occupied.. Makes me feel stronger.. Mentally! Like I walk out of the gym a few cm’ taller also with more courage!! Spoke to him last night about her.. Had to shut it down.. Was too painful. How can I listen to why he stays with her.. He kept saying sorry.. And that he really does love me. I do believe him.. But how can he stay with her if he does? I had to leave the other cos I just couldn’t be with them both. Like I was betraying him.. Were I should’ve felt like I was betraying the other.. I love him so much that it’s shocks me sometimes.. Love is such a powerful thing!! One minute it makes me feel like I’m the happiest person alive the next I’m at my lowest of lows.. I do it to myself most of the time.. I over think every situation.. Hence why I need to keep occupied!!! I hate feeling broken.. Like I’m not complete.. I have 3 beautiful healthy children that I feel like are just passing by me cos I’m so consumed by my own life.. My own crap! My priorities are ridiculous to say the least.. I’m my priority.. And him.. :( I try to think back & remember hat my life used to be like.. I can’t even remember.. Im sure it was less hassle!!! But he wasn’t in it!! Well he was.. He was on my mind.. I would imagine what it would be like to just kiss him one more time.. Just touch his face one more time.. It wasn’t even the sex it was just to be ‘with’ him.. How do I deal with all of this?!?
I feel like I don’t deserve this.. I deserve better.. I don’t deserve to sit around… I deserve better.. I sign deserve to come in 2nd.. I deserve better.. I don’t deserve to always be anxious.. I deserve better..
How much more can I take.. How more will I take?!
I can’t live like this.. It’s killing me! I hate having to wait my turn.. He says he loves me.. But he stays with her? I love his so much.. How do I let go?? How can I let go.. When all I want to do is hold on.. This feeling is making me sick.. My life is always on hold for him.. His txt’s his calls.. His visits..
“I know all the lines to say.. The part Im expected to play.. But in the reflection I am worlds away….”
Always the sad come down the next day after being with you.. Felt crushed today:( No particular reason.. Do I actually need one?!? The feelings I have for you overwhelm me.. They suffocate me sometimes.. When I’m with I’m my happiest. Knowing I can just roll over at any time to kiss you makes me so excited reach out your there.. Put my hand on your chest.. Then you randomly lean over & kiss my forehead.. Makes my heart literally skip a beat.. I wonder if you actually know how much you mean to me.. I sometimes want to tell you.. But I feel like its not much to share.. Too much to feel for you.. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breath around you.. It’s been so long since I’ve felt like this.. Cuts me that I have all these feelings & I can’t even be with you :(:(
Don’t want to go home.. Feeling so anxious about it:( feel like I left all my crap at home.. Now I can feel it all coming back onto me.. Knowing I’m falling deeper & deeper for him.. But knowing deep down that we’ll never be together. I can pretend that it’s possible but it’s not. We’re from 2 different worlds.. We’re 2 totally different people.. Different views, different goals, different priorities!! Then to see the other one, felt normal
to be with him to share bfast share memories.. But I just don’t feel that some love!! I can’t force it.. I look at him with different eyes.. I love him for what we had.. Not for who he is.. I love the other for who he is, not for what we have!! Wish I was brave enough to end them both.. Move on & away.. I need it for myself.. I need it for my kids! Where would I be right now of he’d never come over that night.. Would I have eventually got back with him? Would I have stayed with the other? I’m so confused.. I’m so conflicted:(:( I just want to be me.. Without all the hassle
Loved waking up next to you.. Loved going to sleep knowing you’d be there when i woke up!! I love you.. Like so much.. So much that all the other stuff seems irrelevant!! Like I know it’s not!! It’s also not going to change! Love kissing you.. I’m so crazy about it!! I can’t stop:) also can’t stop thinking about it!! xxxxxx
Just want to be with you.. I need to know if it would work.. Always wondering what it would be like.. How we’d be together.. Would it even last?!? But is it worth trying? I love you.. I think it’s worth the try.. What happens if we don’t try.. And we still feel like this in 2 years in 5 years?!?! Keep pretending that we don’t feel this way? Do I have to feel like this forever :(:( will I live the rest of my life waiting & wondering what could’ve been? Will you keep pretending that your happy? Marry her? I’d move on.. But I’d always think about what we might have been! So frustrating.. The situation makes me so sad.. How different would my life be right now if I didn’t see you that night? I know I didn’t ever stop thinking about you.. For nearly a year & a half I thought about you.. I dreamt about you.. I imagined kissing you again.. To touch you again. To feel your touch again.. Your kiss in my neck.. Your lips on mine.. Your hands holding me.. I didn’t think it would be so crazy intense this time.. That id fall so quickly.. So hard! Clearly I was in love with you from the first time.. Clearly I’ve been in love with you for the past cpl of years.. Even with not being with you I still had those feelings for you.. They got stronger.. I learnt to ignore them.. I learnt to push them back in my brain.. In my heart! I want to tell you exactly how I feel.. But feel like these feelings are so intense I don’t even know how to say them without sounding like a crazy!!! Everyday I love you more.. But then I wonder if it’s because we’re not together.. Would it be different if we were always together.. Fighting? I’m trying to make this ‘situation’ as drama free as possibly.. You have a girlfriend.. You have drama in your life.. I don’t want to be that in your life. I want you to be excited to see me.. To talk to me.. To get a txt from me. When your name comes up on my phone.. My heart starts to race.. I can’t wait to answer it or read the txt.. I just want to kiss you always.. To touch your hand.. Feel your body behind me when I’m sleeping pulling me towards you.. And randomly kissing me when your sleeping. Love love love you!! Damm it!!